Each day, I feel the full range of human emotions.
I feel guilty. Guilty over that which I simply do not have the mental energy to accomplish. Guilty over projects and clients that have been neglected. I tell myself I am doing my best, and then I feel guilty because my best right now is really sh#*ty.
I feel anxious. Anxious knowing that there is an end but not knowing when the end will be. Yes, it will be soon, but what is soon anyway? Anxious about what will change next. Anxious about what is not getting done while I’m worrying about what’s not getting done.
I feel bitter. Seriously. People know what you go through. They may not know every detail about your life and how hard you work day in and day out to take care of your loved one, but they have some idea. But they don’t think.
I feel sad. Each day sadness for the loss that each new day brings and sadness for what can never be retrieved both weigh heavily on my spirit. I feel sad knowing that soon I will be all alone.
I feel weary. Uncertain of when the end will be, I wonder how much long I can press on. As my caregiving responsibilities change every day, I am exhausted trying to keep up.
I feel grateful. I look around at our beautiful home and reflect back on all of the wonderful moments we’ve had here with each other and our VIPs and I am filled with gratitude. Indeed, we are tremendously blessed. Who am I to deserve all of the blessings that life has to offer?
I feel at peace. I know that, no matter what the outcome, I did my best to support my grandma on this journey until the very end.
Yes, I feel all of these emotions every day—and then some—throughout my waking hours—on repeat.
No wonder caregivers, especially those going it solo, get worn out. The spiritual and emotional battle that happens in our heads and our hearts while we are caring for a loved one at the end of life is brutal.
The bottom line is this: Caregivers, everything you’re feeling right now is completely valid.
My hope and prayer for you is that you can acknowledge, sit with, and then move on from the negative emotions so you don’t get stuck there. May you remain in the comfort, joy, and peace to be found in the positive ones 🙏🏼💕
Hi Rachel, I stumbled upon your blog this morning and was so blessed to read your posts. The first one I found was from 2018 and you shared Hebrews 6 on caring for others.
I can totally relate to this one about all the emotions you feel each day. I began caregiving for my mother-in law about a year ago. She turned 99 yesterday! I have most of the responsibilities because my husband works full-time, but at least I have help. My heart goes out to you doing this by yourself. I am sure this blog helps you, I journal a lot and it helps me.
Do you have any emotional support, counseling or a support group of any kind? I have not found anyone else in my similar situation.
Thank you for sharing your journey and know that you have been encouraging to me today! May God bless you!
Hi Sherri, thank you for your kind words and for stopping by here at TakingCareofGrandma.com.
Finding support to navigate and cope with the emotions that come along with caregiving is challenging, indeed. I launched my own support group here in my area, but since I’m still actively caregiving I haven’t been a very good leader. I do access the grief support at the hospice agency when I need it, and have a couple of close, trustworthy & non-judgmental friends I can call to vent to. I do belong to a few support groups on Facebook, one specifically for milennials.
Otherwise I have very little emotional support. I have not considered counseling, although I have had counseling in the past for other things.