I hope you don’t think I’ve disappeared or come unhinged. All is well, as far as it goes.
I figured I owe you, my faithful audience, an update.
Sorry I’m not more social… I’m too busy recovering from seven+ years of trauma.
Seriously. I’ll say it, even though I typically try to shrug off the ugly parts of caregiving as opportunity cost. Caregiving is traumatic.
Yes, caregiving is traumatic. As I’m sure you well know through your own experience, struggling through grief is not so pretty.
At first, there was sheer still and deafening silence. A huge void. An overwhelming feeling of emptiness, like I swallowed the Black Hole.
Wandering around. Lost.
I went back to work pretty quickly, mainly because I just didn’t know what to do with myself.
I was wallowing in despair by the end of March. Crying because I felt like everyone had ghosted me. People who said they were down to ride all of a sudden halted contact. I guess they think they were giving me space. The love deficit swelled.
I bought a Betta Fish from Petco, hoping to find a place for all this excess love.
I was briefly distracted from my sadness by a persuasion of the romantic kind (or so I thought).
I only recently finally hit my own personal best rock bottom of grief after I found Prince Charming dead on the bottom of his tank one morning right after my short-lived, so-I-thought Romance POOF disappeared (By the way: “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord” -Job 1:21).
All of a sudden I was reliving every single loss. One by one in reverse chronological order. Prince Charming. Midas Man. Grandma. Mom. Calvin.
What did I do? I got busy and went to work. I tore up my garden beds and planted fall crops. I replaced the bumper and broken windshield fluid reservoir on my car. I cleaned my house from top to bottom.
Mainly, I’ve just been working.
Working on affairs
Working for clients
Working on my caregiver nonprofit (Sandwiched—check it out 🤩)
Working on a book (about taking care of Grandma)
Working on the garden, the house, the car
Working on my life
Working on my relationship with myself
Working on my relationship with God
Working on letting go
Working working working
For now, I’m working, but in my new rhythm I’m working on, I’m mixing in lots of ease and lots of grace.
I just wanted to let you know I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere. I will always be around for the granddaughters of the world who are taking care of their sweet Grandmas.
If you’ve stopped by, feel free to send a note or leave a comment 😘