It’s been a month since precious my grandma left us here on earth for Heaven’s gates.
She passed on a Saturday. By Monday, everything was squared away for her service. The first week, I handled the logistics for that and her internment, which included getting a haircut. My grandma had all her arrangements pretty much taken care of. The week went by so smoothly it felt like God was smiling down on me, saying, “Good Job, Rachel.” I gathered up her belongings and donated them so they could be put to good use. Then, Henny got sick and I had to leave her at the vet for two entire days. So, I cleaned. A lot. (BTB, Henny is back to her usual self; she is doing just fine.)
At the beginning of the second week, we had a wonderful service for Grandma. There was a hang up with her internment so I had a bit of time on my hands waiting for our final goodbye. I made my first round of phone calls to inform key parties of her passing. And I cleaned. I prepared a bunch of meals for a family member and sweets for my friends. I blogged and brainstormed about my future here at TakingCareofGrandma.com. On Thursday, February 10, we laid her to rest with my grandpa. I had a couple really nice meals out with some friends, a cup of coffee with Leslie, and even went to my cousins’ house to observe the Super Bowl that week.
The third week I let my clients know I’m okay for projects but I wasn’t able to summon up the wherewithal to do do much in that department. I did, however, read through our Caring Village notes and spent a lot of time reflecting over the past seven years. And I cleaned. A lot. Inside and out. Raking and clearing leaves and shoveling snow. I decided to paint Grandma’s room. I started doing yoga in the mornings.
The fourth week, I finished painting. I started actively working on my projects, including my caregiver nonprofit. I continued to clean and discard and reorganize and rearrange and make little upgrades here and there.
Yesterday, I got the death certificates.
And now, here I am. It’s officially been a month without my life co-star.
How am I?
I’m fair to mostly sunny. I have my morning ritual and my bedtime ritual, but the in-between still feels quite empty. As you can see, I’ve been trying hard to fill it.
I’m slowly working out a new rhythm.
Trust me, I have my moments. They mostly happen when I am still and my mind is not occupied. I find myself reliving Grandma’s final moments and start feeling sad and guilty. Then, I miss my mom. Then, I start missing my old life before we moved here on Vermont. I talk myself through my waves. I try to ask myself why I miss my old life much when I’m freer than I’ve ever been? It’s really a rhetorical question.
My future is literally a blank canvas. It starts out as a thrilling idea which can quickly transform into terrifying thoughts. I have to talk myself through it and remind myself to stay in the moment. Just like when I was taking care of Grandma, I have to remember not to get too ahead of myself and just focus on the here and now. God has a plan for me so I don’t need to worry about the future (too much).
I do allow myself to look forward to Spring and the rebirth and renewal it brings. I can’t wait for sunshine and surprises and the flowers to show their sweet faces.
I’ll let you know how it goes. I know it gets easier, you just have to put enough space and time between it.
Until we meet again,
Rachel
